Husband is aware of wife's secretive comings and goings

Published: Saturday, January 31, 2026 at 5:00 am

Secret Visits and Double Standards: A Reader's Dilemma

A reader, identified as "Upset in Connecticut," has written to Dear Abby seeking advice on a troubling situation within their seven-year marriage. The core of the issue revolves around the wife's secretive visits to her ex-husband. These visits occur both when the ex-husband's current spouse is present and when she is not.

Adding to the complexity, the wife has imposed a strict rule on her husband, forbidding him from communicating with or visiting any women from his past unless she is present. The letter writer highlights their own fidelity and reveals that the wife has a history of infidelity in previous relationships, as reported by her family. The wife is also battling major depression and is on medication, but she refuses to seek professional counseling.

Dear Abby's response is direct. She unequivocally states that the letter writer is justified in feeling upset by the situation. The advice columnist points out the clear double standard at play, where the wife seemingly operates under different rules than her husband. Abby suggests that the letter writer is the one who should consider counseling, as the fact that they felt compelled to write to an advice column indicates an underlying unhappiness in the marriage. Abby implies the wife is content with her actions and the husband is the one who needs to re-evaluate his situation.

BNN's Perspective:

This situation presents a classic case of imbalance within a relationship. While the wife's mental health struggles are a factor, her actions and the imposition of a double standard are deeply concerning. The husband's feelings of being controlled and the potential for infidelity are valid reasons for distress. The advice to seek counseling is sound, as it can help the letter writer navigate the complexities of the relationship and make informed decisions about their future. It is important to note that the wife's mental health issues do not excuse her behavior, but it does highlight the need for a comprehensive approach to address the underlying issues within the marriage.

Keywords: marriage, infidelity, double standard, depression, counseling, ex-husband, relationship, communication, boundaries, advice

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