Dear Abby: My fiance treats me like a child, but Im looking for a lover, not a mother

Published: Saturday, May 10, 2025 at 5:00 am

Dear Abby: Fiance's Overbearing Care is a Relationship Red Flag

A reader, writing to Dear Abby under the pseudonym "Nobodys Child in New York," is grappling with a frustrating relationship dynamic. Engaged to a woman from another country, the letter writer, a highly accomplished individual with a successful career and a large family, feels his fiancee treats him like a child.

The core issue revolves around the fiancee's constant inquiries about his well-being. She repeatedly asks if he's cold, hungry, thirsty, or tired, offering unsolicited advice on clothing and exercise. While the letter writer acknowledges her intentions are likely rooted in genuine care and love, he finds the behavior stifling and infantilizing. He's repeatedly expressed his need for a "lover, not a mother," but the message hasn't resonated.

The letter writer, who has a background in medicine and a Ph.D., has tried to communicate his feelings, but the behavior persists. He's financially supportive of his fiancee, adding another layer of complexity to the situation. He's seeking advice on how to get his fiancee to treat him as an adult and respect his autonomy.

Dear Abby's response suggests a more direct approach. She advises the letter writer to explicitly state that his fiancee's behavior is a "turnoff" and that he's considering ending the relationship. Abby believes this strong statement might finally get the message across. She also acknowledges that if this doesn't work, the couple may not be a good match.

This Dear Abby column highlights a common relationship challenge: the struggle to balance care and respect. It underscores the importance of clear communication and the potential for mismatched expectations to create significant friction in a relationship. The advice emphasizes the need for assertive communication and the potential for incompatibility when fundamental needs aren't met.

Keywords: Dear Abby, relationship advice, fiancee, overbearing, infantilizing, communication, relationship problems, lover vs mother, boundaries, relationship issues, advice column, adult relationship, communication breakdown, relationship red flags, unsolicited advice.

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